At Arms Length

Held at arms length 
I struggle against the current.
The expanding space between us 
is muffling and dense. 
I know that clawing the particles 
only pushes what I want away, 
yet I can’t help myself.

Abandoned. That’s how it feels 
when thoughts dwell in this space. 
Picked up, enjoyed, dropped, forgotten.
A reflection on me more than it is on you
Though the bitterness wishes you swim harder 
Over thinking, complicating our honest simplicity 
Tugging only loosens my grip, 
The internal longing causing me to slip.  

Hot faced and cold handed,
I lost balance. 
Life teaching me to let go
and practice non attachment. 
What I have is enough! 
And there it is;
That innate red power waiting 
at the pit of my spine.
An energy that knows more 
than my thoughts will allow right now.
Of wonders in the unknown 
and the potential that’s ready to seep 
through the cracks of life’s lessons.
A constellation of scarring, bruising and bustling health 
That compiles this moving vessel I inhabit.

So I stop resisting. 
Accept that control is an unachievable invention 
and how wonderfully freeing it is. 
Embracing the chaos 
Unleashing this orchestra of vibrations to disperse,
leaping into the unknown with shear faith it will catch me 
and weave me into the complex tapestry of this universe. 

The Short Straw

Life is too short. Too short, they say 
This pressure to be so present
It won’t be long
Before he’s taken away
I’ve known deep down 
Just like I felt with George
My friend who died before turning twenty five

It scares me who my body decides is precious  
This sixth sense 
Perhaps it’s no power of mine 
Only a soft knowing by them
That unfolds through their eyes
In telling peaceful perspective
Attracting me like a mayfly to the damp dawn,
I flutter above their calm, cool waters
Silently apprehending the splash and struggle
Yet I keep dipping 
Diving, daring myself in
And now, floating, half soaked on the surface
I wonder
‘What should I do with my gift?’
These precious days granted to some
Taken away from many
Beings briefly weighted to earth
Who pulled the short straw
And if grief is an art to be practiced like this
A heart pulled, squeezed, torn, a twist for a kiss with death
Then distancing myself goes against every grain of my veins 
My skin breathes and yearns
Attracted to deeper understanding 

Shining, he cinders a knowing smile
Two voids apart for only a short while
We’re all one after all
Rise and fall, rise and fall
I’ll keep our secrets woven into this tapestry 
And just like the vibrations of the gong
Dissolving, I’ll join your cool calm waters
I know it won’t be long

Clic Sargent Celebrity Ball

Singing at the Windsor Races Celebrity Ball for Clic Sargent was an incredible experience.  When I agreed to make a flying visit from Paris (where I have been living for the year), I had no idea how moving this event was going to be.  Witnessing such generosity first hand in a beautiful setting, amongst people I feel humbled to meet and know, blew me away.  I will forever strive to do what I can for this wonderful charity, not only because they supported me 5 years ago and made an immensely challenging part of my young life far more bearable, but I am lucky enough to see what they do for so many other children, young people and their families on a regular basis.  Remembering opening my initial grant of £170, simply because my records showed I had been given a diagnosis, with a heartfelt letter explaining they understand the financial strain so here is our grant straight up and here is how to get in touch for more help and support. For me, there is no other charity reaching out quite like this.

Clic Sargent want to be able to help everyone who faces cancer, as well as their families, who are often the ones harder hit in many ways, as ironic as that sounds.  And I understand that many cancer charities have a bit of a bad rep for being the wealthiest, but all I can say is, I see what the donations and ongoing support do.  And it is SO worth that generosity.  It is about life, support and helping others strive when simply surviving becomes all too consuming.

The money raised was just shy of £300,000.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  Shout out to The Zoots, who I had the pleasure of singing with. And thank you to my darlin’ Maxine for keeping me company, you are always such an open minded and grounded friend (plus way better at the whole ‘mingling’ game than I am).   For Clic Sargent, with love.


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